Sunday, February 5, 2012

On Flirting

One of the people I follow on twitter brought me to change my pace for a moment.  Please take the following advice with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila.

The Birth of Flirting:
In ancient Babylonian times, it was customary for tribes to bestow their beloved with one final and ultimate gift of appreciation.  Martyring was seen as a blessing from God, one final sacrifice toward the kingdom of heaven.  The honor of being bludgeoned to death by rocks was later incorporated into child's play of younger boys chasing the young girls around and tossing pebbles to get their attention.  Over the centuries, this has reached an evolutionary peak and is seen as the first confrontation of argument in a healthy relationship.  Unfortunately, the times have changed and with women in control, this time-honored tradition of abuse to show one's true affection has been ruled out-dated and more specifically, vulgar.  Thus the rant of flirting begins.

Initiating conversations with the sex of your choosing is, in many ways, comparable to walking on egg-shells with roller-skates.  The reasoning for the target's excuses of not buying what you're selling can range anywhere from vanity, a conflict of interests, or you're simply barking up the wrong tree.  While none of these should discourage a person from initiating the conversation, the legislative society has made it far too easy to pull out a lawsuit in that bag of goodies you're reaching for.  So please remember these key features towards flirting.

The Rules of Attraction:
Everybody loves attention, it's not sexual harassment if they think you're cute.  Always know the limitations of your own appearance before suggesting a beef injection.  While a less attractive person may find themselves unemployed, hospitalized, or imprisoned for such actions, the pretty people, even if not stirring the interest of the harassed, will more likely be threatened by nothing more than a smile that can only be translated as 'I'm not that desperate, yet.'  For the more tenacious suitors, always look for signs of 'yet' in all actions.

Subtle Flirting:
Beating around the bush can be fun, but it will only hold interest for a little while.  Sure you can touch on a few sensitive areas, but after the stimulus wears off, the recipient of your attention will either be demanding you plunge in, or turn cheek to you for one of the other stimulators.  If you think you're the only one pursuing, I would recommend doing extensive research on the word 'fiction' in order to discover more of the world you're currently residing in.

Competitive Flirting:
Unless you have finally given in to the concept that you will never find true lust and are settling for looking for that single person you wish to be with for the rest of your life, you must realize that sometimes you have to suck it up and listen to the whimsical babble escaping from the lips of your target that can only be described as chronic diarrhea of the mouth.  Utilizing the chunks picked from the mess, you can create a better idea of what defines the person you're 'listening' to.  If you do not fit the description of what you gather to be the current ideal of a partner, and I promise it will change before the next full moon, there are two paths that may be taken.  You may either lower yourself to the level of pretending to be that person, or you may simply walk away and find somebody more interesting.  If you feel the urge to change yourself for the purpose of fornication, please remember to keep all changes temporary until such an event has been achieved.  If you are looking to change yourself for something more perpetual than a night of exchanging blasphemies, then stop reading because there is no hope for you.  See also: Convent/monkhood.

The Faces of Flirting:
There's more than one way to skin a cat.  While the previous expression is completely untrue, it is true that there are many ways to flirt.  Facial expressions and body language are generally the best form of pre-flirting.  If used and read properly, it will allow the next few actions to take their course without threat of legal ramifications.  These range from a casual brush against the arm, suggesting that skin on skin contact is a possibility, to smiles and winks.  On a side note, those attempting to act or view while under heavy influences of alcohol should be aware that there are only few subtle differences between a flirty smirk and an evil sneer.  Please take all possible scenarios into consideration before going into operation.

Obnoxious Flirting:
If you can get away with this, you need to do one of two things; set higher standards or enjoy it while it lasts.  Beauty is fleeting.  Examples of obnoxious flirting are as follows:
Hanging out of a car window while your buddy honks.
"Tripping" into grabbing a person's package of gender.
Using tactless and yet still unfunny pick-up lines.  There is a difference.
Using signs of body language (pre-flirting) on yourself.

As you can see, the world has moved quite a ways from the origins as far as flirting is involved.  In my opinion, the ancient Babylonians would be distressed as their entire message has been ruined:

"If you love someone - kill them.  If they come back to you - run."

1 comment:

  1. Okay, this made me laugh (in a good) way, but as a romance writer, it was very helpful and even gave me ideas! Thanx! :)